When he walks into the room, you’ll notice his smiling eyes and his seemingly confident stride. He is a good-looking young man who can carry his own.
He can engage you in great conversation and easily charm you with his wit. He is very passionate about his job and it’s not by sheer luck that he earns a 6-digit income from it every month.
For me, he was a success. He had every reason to be confident.
“But I am just not good enough,” he said. He told me how shies away from the women he’s attracted to because he feels he doesn’t deserve them. “They’re too good for me.”
And so he remains single. Miserably.
He continues his self-deprecating dialogue. “I don’t have my own house, I don’t have a car, I’m far from wealthy….”
He also didn’t have a college degree. And though he did not say it, I’m sure he considers that as one of his perceived failures too.
“Are you happy with your job?” I asked him.
“Yes.”
“Do you feel fulfilled?”
“Absolutely.”
“Is that what you’ve always wanted to do?”
“No doubt about it.”
“Then you should be proud of yourself for all you’ve accomplished!” I told him.
Despite all his perceived setbacks, he was living the life he wanted. But as long as he defined success based on material indicators or standards set by other people, he will never have confidence in himself.
I used to have low self-esteem too
I was the only girl in a brood of three but I was always compared to my prettier cousins.
They had skinny bodies, straight hair and fair skin. I was lanky, curly and dark.
Their family was well-off so they always wore cute dresses and spiffy shoes. I was a recipient of their hand me downs.
They were prim and proper like little ladies and they could sing and dance gracefully too. I was an awkward kid who couldn’t do both.
They were nice to me but I couldn’t help but feel inferior to them.
I didn’t like my skin color and I wished I was whiter. I hated my curly hair and always tied in a bun that made it even curlier.
I grew up thinking that I needed to look and act like them to be considered a pretty girl.
In school, I started a new leaf and made the most of my abilities.
I joined beauty contests and speech competitions. I always won.
I was pretty proud of myself.
But other people hated me for winning.
Didn’t I deserve to be a winner?
Am I not good enough?
Then I thought it would be safer and better to just stay on the sidelines and be a wallflower.
The “I’m not good enough” trap
I’m sure most of us have fallen into the “I’m not good enough” trap.
Whether it’s because of comparison, envy, or rejection, we have all felt that we didn’t deserve to have great things.
We push ourselves into a corner and lament at all our weaknesses and faults. We reinforce our own belief that, when it comes to success, we just don’t make the cut.
But the truth is, the real problem lies within ourselves.
Sure, we’ll get compared to other people.
We’ll get rejected every now and then.
We’ll see others who are better than us in more ways than one.
So what?
What really matters is how we respond to these situations.
Remember that we are in control of our own emotions.
We have to take charge of our own self-esteem and be our own number one fan.
5 steps to boost your self-esteem
1. Love yourself.
What do you love about yourself?
Make an honest list of all your strengths and talents. Be thankful for them.
I consider my positivity as a major strength. And though life can sometimes knock me off my feet, I remain optimistic that things will always turn out for the better.
Writing and communicating are my precious talents. I am always thankful for them and I use them to do good.
And what to do about your weaknesses? Acknowledge them. Change them into strengths. Accept those flaws that you cannot change and remember that your imperfections add to your character.
Procrastination is my biggest weakness. Yes, I succumb to it every now and then but I always bounce back. I take steps to turn my procrastinating self into a proactive person who does what needs to be done.
I used to be frustrated about my curly hair. But I’ve learned to appreciate it, love it and work with it.
2. Affirm yourself.
Draw from the list you made in the step above of the things you love about yourself and make your own affirmation.
Just to get you started, try filling in the blanks:
I’m a ______ and ______ person endowed with ______ and ______ talents which I use to ______ every chance I get.
I would say something like:
I’m a beautiful and positive person endowed with amazing writing and communicating talents which I use to inspire people every chance I get.
You can always add to the words. It can be one line or a series of paragraphs.
Post your affirmation on a wall, place it by the bedside or where you can see them every morning. Read them everyday so you’ll be constantly reminded that you are not just good enough.
You are good.
Yes, there will always be other people better than you. But remember that you are unique and there can only be one YOU in the world.
3. Find an inspiration.
Who do you most admire?
Identify someone whose success in life moves you to achieve your own. Remember that they are ordinary people like you.
What made them extraordinary was they believed they deserved the best things in life and went out to get them.
No matter who you are, you can do it too.
4. Fine tune your ears.
Play deaf to the negative voices around you and the negative echoes in your head.
Though you can’t control what other people say about you, you can still choose to listen to them or not.
Kill your inner critic, it has no place in your successful life.
On the other hand, do listen to praises. Avoid false humility by saying “Aww…shucks…that was nothing.”
Simply say “Thank you” and mean it.
Accept compliments wholeheartedly and believe them. They’re one of the ways the world tells you, “You are great!”
Do listen constructive criticism. You’ll know a criticism is constructive when you hear it because you’ll feel the sincerity of the person saying it.
Receive them graciously and think of how you can use the criticism to improve yourself.
5. Be humble.
True confidence also comes with humility.
I found that those who appear to be confident and brag about what’s great about them are actually those that have a lot of insecurities.
When you carry a quiet confidence in your self and in your abilities, they will shine through for all the world to see.
A word about education
I believe in the value of education.
School can teach you a lot of things if you’re willing to learn and it can equip you with the basic skills to make it in life.
I owe my knowledge and skills in part to my education. But most of the valuable things I learned were taught by life and the best skills I acquired were trained by experience.
If for some reason, you did not finish school or you were not able to attain a degree, it should not undermine your confidence nor should it be a hindrance to your personal success.
According to an article in Forbes in 2000, 18 percent of US billionaires never even earned a degree.
You have what it takes to be great
Remember that one of the essential steps to achieve personal success is to believe in yourself.
If you don’t believe in yourself, nobody else will believe in you.
Boost your own self esteem:
- Love yourself. Make a true estimate of your strengths and talents and appreciate them.
- Affirm yourself. Remind yourself that you are great.
- Find an inspiration. If they can do it, you can do it too.
- Fine tune your ears. Play deaf to the negatives, listen to the positives.
- Be humble.
Remember this:
You weren’t an accident, You weren’t mass produced. You aren’t an assembly-line product. You were deliberately planned, specifically gifted, and lovingly positioned on the Earth by the Master Craftsman
- Max Lucado
